I realize I haven’t gone in depth in a blog post regarding what’s happening in my life lately, so I thought it was time for a recap of what’s up. What’s up now is that I’ve been doing some cleaning, both literally and metaphorically. Finishing projects, physically cleaning my apartment, but also cleaning out my thoughts and trying to get to terms with myself. There are things about me I never thought I could do, change or achieve. I have done that, and to be honest, in a much broader perspective than I expected. My entire life has changed for the better. This post was supposed to be one of those “live in the present and rejoice over what you’ve achieved” moments that I talk about so much, but following my own advice on that has been hard. Never satisfied, always looking for the next thing. I’ve realized it’s not as much about not being able to enjoy my currents situation, it’s actually about escaping what’s going on in my head.
Escaping from what? Well, in my head there are a lot of things I am trying to suppress, to keep away. Thinking about my next move career wise or in life in general consumes all of my brain activity and by escaping like this I sacrifice the joy of celebrating my achievements. It helps me to flee from those thoughts that come crawling to you right before you’re about to sleep. In my case I’m a bit bipolar when it comes to the term ‘being worried’. In many ways I’ve worked myself through darkness up to a level of happiness I had not known for a long, long time. However, I’m always worried, despite the fact that I’m stronger than ever and have huge confidence both in myself and what I do for a living. Why do I worry as it’s extremely time and energy consuming? That’s why I try to fool myself to go with the flow and with the thought that everything will work out, one way or another. And so far it has, so fooling myself by worrying about things is one way to go, but I don’t want to live my life escaping things I need to face.
When those unexpected moments come creeping you’re all of a sudden left alone with your thoughts. When you accidentally open the door to memories past you’ve tried so hard to, if not suppress, at least learn to live with. They come along so unexpectedly. Today I was looking for an accreditation document for New York Fashion Week Men’s and happened to open up a folder on my laptop. The folder wore the name of the person who used to be my everything, my greatest love. I respect him and his decision not to keep in touch with me, but opening that folder was when I went from being superman to that tiny, lonely and hopelessly lost little boy. I looked through some pictures, read some messages and even a letter from him to me. That was love. True love.But it’s also a thing of the past. Some of my closest friends and family members reading this might be slightly annoyed I even bring this up, but mending a broken heart takes time. In midst of all success, there’s a hint of failure. In all popularity, there’s a hint of loneliness. In all hope, there is worry. Having lost something so precious to me once has made me extremely scared of love. So to everyone asking why I’m single, here’s why: I’m scared to death of love, to love, of being loved. I’ve been told to let go, to give love a chance. Focusing on making me feel good, look good, being successful, enjoying life and what not certainly takes focus away from the pain, but the fact is, it’s still there. It always will be in one way or another and just like any other loss I will live with it.
So why the title of the post? Well. mainly because a tiger can change his stripes and I most certainly have changed mine. I’ve kept what’s good in me, removed most of the bad and added even more of the good stuff. I’d honestly want to say that I today am one hell of a lucky, happy, blessed and freaking gorgeous human being. I love people and am loved by many (even if not by all). To end this almost personal ad sounding post I’d want to say that next time you’re in doubt of who I am or what the truth behind me is, ask me. I’m an open book and have nothing to hide anymore. I’ve left my dark days behind and am embracing life, by the grace of God. Hello, I’m Thomas. Now you know how I’m feeling.